Wednesday, December 03, 2003
alright, i got a new blog. why? because im kind of a jackass. im not sure if im going to be updating this one anymore. the new one is desolation.modblog.com .
the most beautiful things are also the most unexpected. i guess that makes them beautiful. cant hurt.
i had my chorus concert tonight. i was not looking forward to it, to say the least. so, i got a friend of mine who just got his wisdom teeth out to sell me some perkistat. so, i was almost falling asleep all night, even during the concert. after the excitement and stress of the concert, i sat in my car and felt the drug work. i decided that i could drive like this, but i should probably get some coffee. so i go to breakplace and buy a cup of joe, and get back in my car. i start driving and all of the sudden everything makes sense. everything is just... beautiful. this is the first time that i looked at the back of an suv with an "united we stand" sticker and thought: that is beautiful. everything just clicked. the neon signs reflecting in the window, the yellowed street lamps created shadows in my car as i crawled past. sitting there, listening to godspeed you! black emperor, drinking my coffee, and feeling the drug pump through my veins, i could not imagine anything that i would rather be doing. complete euphoria. im still there... although its not the same in my room with the glow of the moniter on my face. also i am a little stressed, because i bought two pills from my friend, and one of them is missing. it must have fallen out of my pocket somewhere, but im not too worried about it. i mean, its a perscription drug, so its not really illegal.
point is, though, that i am euphoric. not a sunny everybody-is-happy euphoria, but sort of a realist euphoria. i know that the world is fucked, i just dont care. euphoria.
i know this isnt an interesting post, but i am in such a bizarre mood.
im not going to cry. so fuck you.

i dont mean to be overly dramatic, but, i mean, this is a fucking blog. i think im allowed.
Sunday, November 30, 2003
i think i know how a girl would win me over instantly. like, if a girl did this, i would fall in love immediately. just follow the bob dylan lyrics:
"suddenly i turned around and she was standing there
with silver bracelets on her wrists and flowers in her hair.
she walked up to me so gracefully, and took my crown of thorns
'come in' she said 'ill give you, shelter from the storm"

the dude is brilliant. bob dylan is my idle. well, one of many. oh, and also, and the guys of meshuggah too.

so, not that anyone reads this but me, but i fuckin called it. friday i get a call from one of liz's friends, and this is how it goes:
"hey jeff, you should call tara's cell phone so you can talk to liz"
(liz yelling from the background) "and he should come over!!"
"oh, and you should come over"

who the hell does that? what the hell is she thinking? like.. having her friend call me? what is that? thats just a weird thing to do. kind of seems like im back in middle school again. and i would say that the odds are shes going to give my sister a note (they are in history together... i go to a different school) to give to me tomorrow. that will make my day. i love getting notes from people who i, quite frankly, would be happy not seeing again. especially if they are going to act like this. if she wants to call and talk, fine. ill talk to her. im not a bastard. but, if shes going to get her friends to call me, or pass notes through my sister... i cant handle that. thats absolutely ridiculous. just fucking talk to me.

or wear silver bracelets on her wrists and flowers in her hair, and then say "come in, ill give you shelter from the storm"... then all would be forgiven. and i would probably fall in love with her right there and then.

no shitty... poetry? no... jibberish tonight. ciao.
Saturday, November 29, 2003
i m g o i n g d o wnthewaterfallonceagain
accompanying a stra n g e s e n s e o f
s e r e n i t y
just laugh and take it in
justsmile and let it flow
around and inside of myself
and the pressing needs of breath
f l o w with the water

the fragrance of life surrounds me
the fragrance of life surrounds me
a galaxy of colors swirls around strangers
reminding me of my place in the world
exhausted and craving rest
the colors always leave me alone
in accordance with my wishes
i choose not to live my life.

that was NOT about suicide. dont worry about me. i have never seriously considered suicide. im going to learn how to program in java now.

please make it stop
Friday, November 28, 2003
well, birthdays are always fun. especially the big one eight. last night (nov. 26) i went to buy some cigars at midnight. i got to 7-11 at 11:50 and the dude wouldnt let me buy them until it turned midnight. just goes to show how ridiculous the whole 18 law is. i had the same amount of responsibility at 11:50 as i did at 12:00.
i tell ya, turning 18 is a trip. its now illegal for me to have sex with anyone younger than me. i can go die for my country. i can legally view media of strangers fornicating (heh... because it detered me before...). for some reason, the law required me to be home by midnight two nights ago, but now i can stay out until sunrise. i can get married without my parents permission. so bizarre. i am legally an adult. i can move out. i can get a job and live the rest of my life. this is the first time the adage "this is the first day of the rest of your life" has really hit me. i can do whatever the fuck i want to do. will i? fuck no. it is such a great feeling, though. if i want to, if i get too pissed off, i can just pack up and rent a hotel room, or sign the lease to an apartment. unbelievable. anyone older than me probably takes this sort of freedom for granted, but, let me tell you, it is a beautiful thing. it almost makes being raped by oppressive laws for 18 years worth it, just as when i turn 21 that will probably be worth it too.
i recently came across some papers that i scrawled on during school. they are somewhat disturbing, especially , the way they are written, so that can not be fully conveyed by typing it. but, i will anyway, just as a means of immortalization (heywoh noone is gonna believethatjack)

"DONT CONCERN YOURSELF WITH ME i can take care of myself"
"i hope
to have faith
in something"
"hope will not
be crushed"
the jerry
vadakel syndrome"
"im not even jeff anymore
jeff looks unusual to me"

enough for now.// later. times. will. cease. fear. and. loathing.

jeyhey lookarose
just b l o s s omed
and i t d r e w b l o o d
th. orns//]
Monday, November 24, 2003
im far too happy to post today. i guess i could try to get pissed off... but its kind of hard when im hearing cartman singing "immmmmm saiiillllling awayyy!!!" and del the funkee homosapien talking about some dude named "mr. bob dobalina." of course, i could probably just think about my good friend lizzie and get pissed off again. nah. not today. kk! 'shes too busy suckin on my ding dong!' i love the velvet underground.
Sunday, November 23, 2003
TALKING SHITABOUTA APRETTY SUNSET! BLANKETINGOPINIONS THAT ILL PROBALBY REGRET OSON!! if petros means rock iin greek, then i wan t to sit on a petros!! ahhaha! VERB!! its what you do! my verb is STONED! no, but i should submit that toverb.com or whatever the fuck it is.
why the fuck am i critisized for not getting up on her. shes a fucking moron. sorry for having standards as far as personality goes. shes an idiot. she thought the war against iraq was being fought for "our freedom." "i would die for our freedom" she says. "im not talking about dying for freedom, im talking about dying for oil" i would say.
but, what can i say about anyone who wants to devote their life to acting? i speak only for myself, but i do not want to devote my life to pretending to be someone im not. i want absolutely nothing to do with thespians. well... most thespians, anyway.
goddammit stop!

putrid asphaltandstripmalls bruise the landscape
and a c r o s s sits effortlessly on a walllll
(.suburbs//) and .me.
YOU WILL go hun(gry]

i need tobe subdued. GODSPEED YOU! BLACK EMPEROR
what does anyone want but to feel a little more free?
im not depressed. my friends and well-wishers seem to think i am. "cheer up, jeff." well, im not depressed. people should stop saying that to me. im just pissed off.

heyhey coma and cuta the rosa. {yeahsrre}
[try andmakem e]
;;;::outh //me

i want something to bury this frustration that people are calling depression. not too many things have worked. perscription pain killers have worked, but those are bad news in a boTTle. i want zen to work. i want christianity to piss me off furthur, which its doing a bang UP JOB at. [beento church of late?]
im not a jackass who pretends to be a buddhist, though. i need a teacher. i can read all i want about zen and meditation. i can read all the wacked out kerouac i want, and i will not know shit about zen. i need a master. a teacher. someone who can show me the void, so ican yell and scream into it. or just sit before it and be awed.
everyone is too rushed. i have seen the most amazing things when i am just sitting. nothing matters. not the money we make, the things we see, or the knowledge we acquire. so might as well do what makes us happy. im not a hedonist. that is my philosophy, but i still help those who need help. nothing fucking matters, but i still do my part to help those who are asking for it. im not a fucking hedonist. really.
the greatest... or most terrible... feeling yet tonight is seeing advertising in action. at the theatre, there is a sign that says "coldstone can now be purchased right here!" there is a fucking ice cream cart in the lobby of the theatre. but, people still walk in, see the sign, and say "ohh. culdstone is herre now. wheer? thas neet." douchebags.
were all on so many drugs with the curtains drawn and the radio on.
Saturday, November 22, 2003
I beheld the earth,
And, lo, it was waste and void;
And the heavens, and they had no light.
I beheld the mountains, and, lo, they trembled.
And all the hills movied to and fro.
I beheld, and, lo, there was no man,
And all the birds of the heavens were fled.
I beheld, and, lo, the fruitful field was a wilderness,
And all the cities thereof were broken down
At the presence of the Lord,
And before His fierce anger.
For thus saith the Lord:
The whole land shall be desolate;
Yet will I not make a full end.

i hope youre happy. and comfortable. america boils down to that. and that only. the american dream in one word: comfort. as long as we dont see the hordes of sub humans, humbling begging in the streets, then it doesnt bother us. who the hell needs you anyway. who the hell needs me anyway. why bitch about working? at least im doing something. at least no one can accuse me of sitting home on friday night and... starting a blog.
it was a horrible thing. she is a bastard. but she liked me. she dug me, so i dug here. fuck her hypocracy. fuck her vanity (she cant help it - gabriel oak). ive never said a bad fucking word about her. ive always been decent, even after she dumped me (honestly didnt fase me). when someone asked about her, i would say that she was nice and change the subject. so where the fuck does she get off? then she sends me the fucking note. it appears that she still likes me, but lacks the courage to call me. fine. ill call her. ill do it again. uh oh... then she starts making excuses again. fuck you. goddamn it, she crawled back to me. im supposed to have hand. so fuck that. i am not fucking talking to her. i hope she comes crawling back again so i can pull the same shit on her. or flat out tell her that i dont want anything to do with her. shit, i dont even like her. how could i be such a dumbfuck? how could i not realize that she is terrible, and that i was falling for her bastard games. fuck everybody.
i want to stare the void straight on and yell: im put here just to make more dirt!! i will not salute your fucking flag.

Powered by Blogger